Encouraged in His presence

Journal entry Feb. 28th -

Well I am approaching the completion of my third day of my fast. The first day I was thinking of food a lot, everything I looked at that could be eaten caught my eye. My thoughts really were distracting but I decided that I would pray any time I felt hunger. I was amazed that as I prayed for God to be my strength, for God to be my food my thoughts of and desire for food diminished. I made it through my 1^st day and went to bed early having the best sleep since coming home from India. I slept in some on Tuesday so that I would not be tired making it easier to make it through the day. Again amazed and encouraged that drinking only water, a cup of coffee and some hooch that I made it, feeling some excitement that it has been easier than I thought it would be. Now I am thankful for another day of experiencing God in a way that seems new and fresh.

When I search for God and do not find Him I feel like I am unworthy that no one will ever really love me or want to be with me. That the only way I will be able to feel love is to go out and find it myself. It is a terrible struggle within – thoughts running through my mind such as: “If I wait for someone else to call or seek me out that it will never happen” “No one will ever be good enough because they really don’t understand what I really need” Then I feel dirty and like a old perverted man – I am just this sex addict that will never be happy only frustrated. “I will never be normal whatever that means.”

Prior to starting this fast I would search for God by crying out to him for release. I would read some scripture looking for a quick answer. I often talk to others hoping to experience some acceptance and approval then walk away feeling appreciated but yet it really was only surface nothing really that deep. I often would try to sit quiet and still waiting for God to show up – hoping He would reveal himself to me. My mind telling myself I am not alone but yet I sure would feel alone.

It is now March 2^nd and I am approaching the completion of day 5 of my fast. I continue to be amazed by my experience over these past five days. I have continued to drink only water, juice and some of our homemade hooch (combination of ginger, lemons, cinnamon etc.) as well as the odd coffee. As I have prayed when I have felt hunger pains God has meet me and been my strength. Yesterday I had a very busy day and the time just flew by and I realized I had not prayed as much as the previous and I felt sorry in my heart and really missed my connection with God. I have a men’s breakfast at Soul Sanctuary on Saturday morning and I am really looking forward to that time of fellowship. Staying focused has always been a challenge for me, it is so easy for me to get distracted and time passes by so quickly and I wonder where the time has gone. One of my goals is connect with God and hopefully that will help me to remain focused on what is important or what I am doing at the moment. Even now as I write I am feel the urge to get up and do something else and stop journaling. This really drives me crazy when I feel anxious or just restless, Oh God please meet me and calm my spirit, I want to be content and at peace in your presence, oh how I need God in every moment of my day cause without Him I can be all over the map so to speak. I will finish off for now and write more lately. Thank you Jesus for being so real and present to me at time when I don’t feel you, I know you are here with me.